What We Know About Your Sexual Fantasies

In this year’s Sex Census, Wild Secrets asked you all about sexual fantasies. Questions like: “Where do you think they came from?”, “How likely are you to act them out”, and “Do you even want to?”

Let’s unpack that.

When I was growing up, I had a very close friend and we spent a lot of time together on weekends and school holidays. Our parents were friends, and we spent hours at each other’s houses while our parents socialised. Or drank wine, as I now realise. As children of the 80’s and 90’s our play options were very different to what children have today. Her family had a pool table – cool, I know – and we would spend hours, literal hours, turning it into a shipwreck on a deserted island, or a castle, or a beachside house, and we would imagine meeting twin brothers or best friends there who would conveniently fall in love with one of us each, and sweep us off our feet, and we’d live happily ever after; the four of us, in a gigantic mansion.

A rich, creative imagination, when accessed, can be a source of such immense feeling. We can tap into the stories of our mind and conjure up scenarios where we feel joy, excitement, nervousness, fear; almost whatever we want, really.  A rich fantasy life is so human, and there can be so much aliveness found there.

Adult fantasies

When it comes to sexual fantasies, this remains just as true. However, how we feel about our sexual fantasies can vary wildly from the joy we squeezed out of our childhood imaginings. Often because feelings like guilt, embarrassment and shame have found their way into the bedroom. I hear this from my own clients almost every day. I am so fascinated by fantasy. Less so with the content though, and more what it does for people.

Most of the time when people consider their fantasies, they go straight to the content; the details of the activity. You ask people about fantasies and they think of threesomes. Role plays. Power play.

But the act itself is rarely the point. According to sex researcher Dr Jack Morin, Core Erotic Themes are the specific feelings – not acts – a person is drawn to seek out during sex. This can include experiencing a sense of being in control and holding all the power. Or it could be about surrendering or being taken over. Handing over the reins because you trust someone enough to stop holding them for once. It could be about being ravaged and worshipped, like the other person wants you in a way that can’t be contained. Or it could even be about being  loved and adored like no one has ever loved before.

Core erotic themes can (but don’t always) trace back to early emotional wounds. Fantasy becomes the mind’s way of turning old unmet needs into arousal and, potentially, healing. But regardless of their origin, they can be a source of significant sexual arousal for people. And even more so when we actually understand that that’s what’s going on underneath the fantasy!

Read more: Femdom – stepping into my inner dominant by Amy Edith.

Is the fantasy a dealbreaker?

I remember hearing a story ages ago about a heterosexual married couple who attended therapy, finding themselves at a stalemate about a particular sexual fantasy. They had both been curious about trying anal sex (as the wife receiving) but having never tried it before, the wife had become very nervous and abandoned the idea. The husband was still very interested to try it, and was disappointed their discussion about it had dried up. The wife couldn’t understand why he couldn’t let it go. Or why it was such a big deal for him. For years they had gone like this; assuming the sticking point was about the act itself.

But it wasn’t. Through therapy, he discovered what he actually wanted was to feel fully and completely let in,  in a way that made him feel trusted rather than just wanted. He wanted to more fully feel that vulnerability between them that comes from truly intimate, high-trust sex. Understanding that and putting words to it completely changed the conversation between them. No it didn’t mean they suddenly had anal sex. But it did mean they could incorporate those emotional desires – erotic themes – into their intimacy with intention.

What you said about your fantasies

Wild Secrets’ Sex Census asked people where they think their wildest fantasies actually come from, and as you’d expect the results were pretty diverse. Imagination topped the list by a mile (72%), then erotica (49%), adult media (47%), memories (46%), and hearing other people’s stories (31%). Most people ticked more than one, about 2.5 sources on average. That didn’t surprise me at all. Fantasy isn’t downloaded from one place, like a neat story. It’s cobbled together from a million different scenarios and parts of your life. And that’s why the same underlying need can manifest as entirely different content, or fantasies, for different people.

Then there’s the fact that 73% of people said yes, they’d like to live out their wildest fantasy, but just one-third said they were actually likely to. If I had to guess from my own anecdotal experience in the therapy room, there are a few reasons why that would be the case.

Firstly, some fantasies, taken literally, just aren’t possible to live out at all – like monster, anthro, literal mythical creature vibes! Whilst it can’t be re-enacted literally, hopefully you’re starting to think more about that core erotic themes part. Ravagement, perhaps?

What lies beneath…

I think one could also make the case that some fantasies should stay just that – fantasy. Some shouldn’t be acted out. For example, maybe you fantasise about engaging in sex in a public place, suddenly climbing atop your partner on a busy train, with everyone watching. Yeah, don’t do that. Please! It’s illegal, obviously, and those other train passengers do not consent.

But again, I keep coming back to that underlying desire piece. Sure you shouldn’t spring a surprise sex act on a group of non-consenting observers. But if the bit that gets you going is people watching you, desiring you, and admiring you? There are loads of places you can do that in perfectly consenting ways. Sex parties, anyone?

It’s important to add here too that it’s perfectly OK to not want to act out your sexual fantasies. It’s delicious in our minds, and  I wonder if it’s sometimes best kept there.  In your mind you are the director, the script writer, the choreographer. It is basically made to order erotica, curated 100% to you and your desires, because you are designing it, frame by frame. That is bound to be super hot, super arousing, and super delicious. And there’s something special about that. Something worth protecting in the corners of your mind.

Why sharing your fantasies helps

One of the biggest reasons why sexual fantasies might not be acted out is that people don’t put words to them. They barely admit them to themselves, let alone to a partner. I recently did a poll on my Instagram and a whopping 94% of respondents felt embarrassed about their fantasies! People don’t even tell their own partners their fantasies. Often for fear of this embarrassment, but also because they fear judgement. Sometimes they fear hurting their partner, and/or feel ashamed of what their fantasy actually is.

But there is a way through this. Naming your own core erotic themes lets you recreate those feelings on purpose, and understand your fantasies without shame. It also lets you ask for what you actually need instead of just the scene that’s used to deliver it. And I’ve noticed how much the order matters when you’re actually having this conversation with a partner.

How to share your fantasies

My advice on sharing your fantasies is to lead with the feeling. Say I want to feel wanted, I want to feel chosen, I want to feel like I’m allowed to lose control for a minute. You need to establish that before you get anywhere near the fantasy scene. It stops being a negotiation over acts and starts being two people getting to know each other’s internal worlds a bit better. It’s also a lot harder to take personally.  Then identify what you get to access when you tap into this feeling. What can you experience and enjoy? Or what can you let go? Find out what it’s like for your partner to hear this, what they are noticing, and what they too get to experience. All of this comes before you even get to the act you’re fantasising about. So it goes something like this:

‘I have been thinking a lot about my turn ons lately, and I think one of the biggest for me is feeling like I am being worshipped. Like whoever I’m with is obsessed with me. Has to have me. And will go out of their mind if they don’t. I think I find this so hot because I get to step into a character – almost like an alter ego. And that helps me to really let go and relax.’

Go forth and fantasise

So next time you are considering your own turn ons, or talking with a partner about theirs, consider what’s sitting just below the surface. You know, wanting to be desired is the same need whether it’s dressed up as a threesome or, it’s as simple as wanting your partner to look at you the way they did on your first date. And if your partner comes to you with details of their own fantasy life, and perhaps even a desire to act something out, try to hold off on a verdict for a minute. Get curious about what they get to experience, and consider what it would allow you to feel. You might find that your positions are a lot closer than you realised.