Femdom: Stepping Into My Inner Dominant

I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to become dominant.

In fact, for most of my life, I was convinced I wasn’t that kind of person at all. I was attentive, accommodating, and emotionally aware. The kind of partner who checked in and softened the mood.

“Being in charge” sexually wasn’t exactly presented as an option growing up. I was taught to be desirable, not directive. To be chosen, not to choose. But then I got asked a question. What if, for one night, I was the one who lead?

How it happened

A partner actually suggested we explore his limits and invited me into the role I rarely occupied. He wanted to experience submission.  I was bamboozled at first. To me, dominance seemed organised, structured, and clear. Not words I used to describe myself then. But when I looked closer, I found I could be structured and decisive when I chose.

Reflecting further, I realised I’d already been guiding moments throughout my sex life in quieter ways. I displayed toys and tools to be seen and chosen from. Adjusted lighting and scent. Loved creating space for good conversation so intimacy would feel safer and more connected. I hadn’t named it before. But I had been influencing all along.

What Femdom actually means

Femdom, AKA female dominance, is a consensual power dynamic where the woman leads the erotic interaction. Cultural portrayals often reduce it to humiliation or performance, but psychologically, healthy power exchange is built on three elements:

Consent. Communication. Aftercare.

Read more: Desires fears and boundaries by Morgan Penn.

The dominant partner isn’t “taking” power. The submissive is offering it within agreed boundaries. The dynamic works because both people actively co-create it.

Dominance can be playful, nurturing, teasing, structured, sensual, or quiet. It can be strict or gentle. I realised I held many of the traits femdom required: attentiveness, care, curiousity, and a hint of teasing. So I gave myself permission to lead without being loud, strict and overly directive.

Finding dominance through submission

I now know that my dominance stemmed from my sense of self that had always been present. Even in submission.

My sub wanted to explore something new. And with that came my responsibility to ensure he felt heard and respected. I knew from my own experiences of submission that safety comes from knowing someone is paying attention and deciding with care. Before anything else, I wanted him to know I was listening.

I knew from experience what I liked when being submissive. And that gave me a springboard of things I thought my partner might enjoy. And while we can never simply assume, copy and paste, we can draw inspiration and curiousity from our own lived experiences.

Work that body language – and language language

I find body language and stance to be incredible tools to clearly mark and identify who is who in the dynamic. He was prone on the bed. I stood. One foot either side of his body.

“Would you like my foot on your chest?” I asked.

The use of directive language not only implies you are leading, but also offers opportunity for your sub to have an informed response. He nodded. I placed a foot on his chest and applied some pressure.

“Would you like my foot on your face?”

He nodded. I placed my foot on his cheek and moved his head side to side.

“Now kiss my foot”. He did.

I looked at my wall of displayed kink gear.  A flogger, paddle, collars, a leash, a ball gag, a blindfold, and a feather tickler just to name a few. Not far from them sat massage oil and drip candles. Although my ideas were flooding, I didn’t know what he disired.

“Choose your favourite and tell me what you want,” I said.

This is a wonderful instruction. It not only wires your brain to feel like you hold control, it also communicates to your sub that you care about them. It invites them to collaborate in the decisions and the scene. This approach is great for new subs and Femdoms alike as it ensures safety and gives everyone a voice.

Plus it’s super hot making them ask you for what they want.

Stepping into the femdom energy

The hardest part of stepping into the role of a Femdom wasn’t confidence. It was unfamiliarity. So if it feels awkward at first, that’s okay. And normal. And it doesn’t mean it isn’t for you.

A transition ritual can help your brain and body bridge the gap between “every day you” and “Domme you”. Think of it as energetic preparation. Athletes warm up. Performers rehearse. Dominance deserves the same intentionality.

It can be as simple as getting ready slowly. Choose an outfit with intention. Apply your perfume. Step into your domme stance in the mirror. Not to transform into someone else, but to signal to your brain that you’re entering a different space now.

Your ritual might involve speaking affirmations aloud, like:

• “I lead with confidence.”
• “My pleasure is priority.”
• “I enjoy being desired and obeyed.”

Your environment matters too. A prepared space communicates leadership before words are spoken. Lighting, order, and pacing all function as non-verbal guidance.

Understanding the psychology of the submissive

One of the most empowering things I’ve realised is this: dominance does not exist in isolation. It exists in response to submission. A skilled Femdom understands her partner’s desires and orchestrates them.

Submissives often crave structure. They may desire:

• Clear instructions and expectations
• Being evaluated or corrected
• Teasing and the anticipation of pleasure
• To serve with devotion
• Controlled restraint
• Ritual and consistency
• The psychological relief of not being in charge

Many of these desires are psychological rather than purely physical. For many, submission can feel like relief. Relief from the pressure of decision-making, or the need to perform. When you step into dominance, you are not overpowering someone. Rather, you are holding a container for their surrender.

This is why communication beforehand is essential. Ask your submissive questions. What does submission mean to them? What feels exciting? Does anything feel unsafe? Are there specific words or themes that are off-limits?

Read more: How do I ask for Kinky Sex by David Hollingworth.

Some femdom scenarios for you

Still feeling lost? I get that. Part of the challenge of femdom – and dominance in general – is crafting scenarios for you and your sub. So here’s a few to try.

The seated sub

Have your sub sit in a chair while you remain standing. Ask them to place their hands flat on their thighs and maintain eye contact until instructed otherwise. This body positioning already encourages a visual power dynamic shift.  You can restrain their wrists behind the chair to restrict ability to touch you and encourage desire to build. In terms of restraints, you can go with BDSM safe tape, silky soft shibari rope, handcuffs, or even a silk scarf, tie or a pair of stockings.

Should you notice them slouching or taking their gaze off you, correct this. Or praise their obedience if they do a good job.

Throne and devotion

This time you can take a seat. Collar your sub, walk them to the side of the chair, and have them kneel. Instruct on how you would like to receive pleasure. In this, you can correct their rhythm, pace or pressure. Praise when earned or give little tap with a riding crop if they aren’t listening.

Blindfold and sensory control

Blindfold them to remove all visual cues. Introduce varied sensations with temperature play such as with dripping candle wax or ice cubes. Tease them with textures with a spiked sensory glove, feather tickler or pinwheel. You may even like to introduce layering impact play pressure with a paddle or flogger.

Because they can’t see what is coming, every movement carries tension. Your footsteps, your breath, even silence become powerful tools. Use them.

Read more: Sensory Play for Deeper Connection by Laura Lee.

Emotional safety and aftercare

After any scene involving power exchange, emotional decompression matters. Submissives can experience vulnerability once the adrenaline fades. Femdoms can also experience a drop, sometimes called “Dom drop” or “Dom burnout”.

Aftercare might involve cuddling, verbal reassurance, checking in emotionally, or simply grounding together.

Aftercare questions to ask:

• “How are you feeling?”
• “What did you enjoy most?”
• “Was anything uncomfortable?”

These conversations strengthen trust and allow you to refine future play.

Read more: Are you Practicing Bondage Aftercare by Janet Hall.

Final thoughts: Femdom as embodied choice

Exploring dominance didn’t turn me into someone else. It revealed a part of me that had always existed. The part of me that chooses, guides and speaks clearly. It was a piece of me that simply needed to be embodied and integrated in practice.

You don’t have to live in the space permanently. Like any aspect of sexuality, it’s a place you can visit when you choose.