Veteran Kinkster David Hollingworth shares his experience in asking for and negotiating kinky sex.
When it comes to relationships and kink, making that first admission to someone that you like to be tied up, or you like spanking people, can be tough. Even for seasoned kinksters, broaching the topic of kinky sex – and what your kinks are – can feel like an intense line to cross with any new partner. You may worry that admitting to liking and wanting kinky play will scare off a prospective lover or partner.
Like anything in a relationship, opening a conversation about your kinks and fetishes is all about being honest, being direct, and being able to listen to what your partner is saying and feeling. And when it comes to honesty, it’s not just about being honest with your partner – or partners, if you’re poly – but also being honest with yourself.
In fact, that’s a good place to start.
What is your kink?
I’ve been engaging in kink for over three decades, and have been lucky enough to have partners that have allowed me to explore what I like and don’t like. But I can still remember the sense of trepidation the first time I brought my desires up with a partner – it was terrifying. Looking back, there was nothing to be worried about. We were both honest, both curious, and even though we were ignorant as heck, things worked out fine.
Today, things would have been a lot easier. There’s a wealth of material out there to help any budding kinkster actually get an idea of what they may be into. And not all of it is porn, though porn can be handy for this kind of exploration. In fact, a bit of research is a great way to learn that you are far from alone. No matter what you’re into there’s likely others who are into the same thing, and who have shared their journey.
Research can help you work out and refine what you want from kinky sex, as well as give you some starting ideas. It can also give you the right definitions to be able to talk about your kinks with your partner.
Essentially, the more you know about yourself, what you’re into, and how to explore that, the better – for all concerned.
How do I talk to my partner about kink?
It might seem obvious to say that an open mind will help you when bringing up or asking for kinky sex, but it is vitally important. It may surprise, even alarm your partner. It could bring up awkward and uncomfortable memories. Or they may have been wanting to bring it up too. You simply never know, so avoid setting expectations. Keep your heart open too – remember that this is about working things out together.
Consent is everything, so if your partner needs a break from the chat, or nopes out entirely, respect that.
If things go well, this first conversation could be the start of something more. I’ve seen many first discussions around introducing a partner to kink move straight into the first play session! Still, it’s worth slowing things down and talking first about boundaries and safety. If you’re looking for some tips to get you started, here’s some things I’ve learnt:
- Start the conversation outside the bedroom. If things go that direction, great, but you don’t want to put any pressure on your partner at this stage. It may not be something you want to discuss at a café – though that can work, and it has for me – but having the conversation while having a nice meal at home or watching TV can mean you’ve both got something else to focus on if you need to slow the conversation down for any reason.
- Stay calm. Opening up to someone about something this personal may seem difficult, but confidence and honesty now will help build trust. If you’re nervous about the conversation, it may make your partner nervous too. That said, if you are nervous, don’t try to hide it. Let your partner know – this is a journey you’re taking together.
- It’s not just about you. One conversational gambit is to simply ask your partner “What kinks are you into?”. If you’re already intimate, you’ve probably had some conversations about what both of you like in bed, and treating kink as no different to asking how someone prefers to be gone down on is a great way to normalise kinky sex as a conversation topic.
- Listen to your partner. Answer their questions honestly, and always be respectful of how they’re feeling.
Set boundaries and start small
Even if you’ve got a closet full of latex and a trunk full of toys, it’s probably not a good idea to go straight to full on play. Especially if your partner is less experienced than you are. Ask your partner what they’d like to do if you haven’t already, and make sure you give them a chance share their own kinky fantasies and ideas. Listening to them can help you work out of your own desires too!
Kink only works if both partners are into it. This is one of the most important aspects of kink and kinky sex. Encourage your partner to set their own boundaries, and clearly communicate your own. Maybe you want to tie them up, but not be tied up yourself, so make that clear. If that’s not the case, let your partner know that you’re happy to swap, and explore the situation from both sides. You could both be pleasantly surprised by what happens!
Make an agreement now on how to stop play as part of your first discussions. This is where a safeword comes in – a word or phase that will never be used in play. So when one of you use the safeword, the other knows to stop play. Your safeword should be something unique and easy to understand. Banana is a good example – unless you’re into playing with fruit, of course! – as it’s a simple word. It’s unlikely to be used in play and has a distinct sound that’s unlike many other common words.
This word is for both of you. If this is the first time you’ve played with or explored your kinks, it could well be overwhelming not just for your partner, but also for you. Never be afraid to use your safeword, and let your partner know they should feel just as confident using it.
What if my partner hates my kink?
Remember that open mind? If your partner turns out to be either not interested in your kinks, or even kinky sex generally, you’re having a very different conversation.
What do you do then?
It could be an opportunity, now that kink is out in the open, to see if there is a middle ground. Your partner may not want to be tied down, but perhaps bound wrists are okay, or simply being held down. And they can always safeword out of any situation they don’t want to be in. Maybe they’d feel better tying you down first, instead? I think it’s healthy to experience anything you’re into from the other side at least once. Here’s your chance to find out, while giving your partner their own power to ease into that kind of play.
Just remember, no is always no, and if your partner says no to kink, you need to take that on board. Which poses the question – where does that leave you now?
As a start, you can go on enjoying non-kinky sex with your partner. But the thing about kinks and fetishes is that they’re remarkably hardwired in. If those needs aren’t being satisfied it could lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship as a whole. You might even come to resent your partner, or your partner may start harbouring a feeling that they’re incapable of pleasing you.
More than one relationship has ended for just this reason. Yours doesn’t have to. If you remain open and honest with each other, there’s no reason you can’t build something that works for both of you.
Next steps
At this point, maybe you’re looking at your tie collection with some new ideas in mind. Perhaps the conversation is still going. If you’re heading to the bedroom, remember to go slow. Even if you’re both ready, willing, and skilled, this is still the first time you and your partner have played. Keep things simple so you can explore each other’s kinky rhythms as you go.
And don’t forget about aftercare, especially if one or both of you are new to kink. How a play session ends is just as important as how it starts. Make time to talk afterwards, and to move from that kinky sex mindspace back into regular life. Aftercare could be as simple as making time to hold each other and discuss what worked and what didn’t in your play, or involve more elaborate personal rituals to signal the end of a session.
Aftercare is different for everyone, but it is an important part of building trust and a safe space to be yourselves.
If you’re still with me, now might also be a good time for both of you to do a little research. And if you haven’t already, sitting down with the Kink Test can help – it’s created by experienced kinksters to “help you discover who you really are on the inside and steer your kinky exploration in the right direction!” It may even give you both new ideas.
The thing to remember is that this first conversation is simply the first step on the journey. Communication, honesty, and respect are important to every relationship, but even more so in one where kink is being explored.
So keep playing, talking, and everything will be fine – and fun!
If you’re looking for more articles on BDSM and Kink, check out our BDSM Guide to Safety and Consent, and check back for more articles in the future!
