Living in an Open Relationship

To be open or not be open: that is the question… for many straight couples these days.

But for those of us in the gay community? We’re thinking: “Come join us, we’ve been doing this for ages!” Gay and queer couples have been exploring non-monogamy for a while. And data shows it’s now increasing in the straight world too. We’re all more open to the idea that having an active sex-life outside of a committed relationship isn’t a threat to that central connection.

In fact, many are realising that only having one sexual partner is something society expects. It’s not necessarily what we want. “Monogamy is a social construct that stems from organised religious structures that have become normalised, with legal and economic implications and benefits,” sexologist Kendall Buckley told Body & Soul last year. “A lot of people who come to see me have, for various reasons, identified that ‘traditional’ relationship structures … are not right for them.”

And it turns out, I’m one of those people.

Opening my own relationship

My partner and I made the jump about three years ago. And we decided to open our relationship after being together for more than 15 years. We had a great sex life. But both of us wondered what it would be like to have some hot times with others.

And given the number of ‘party pashes’ that had happened since we got together? It was clear we were both comfortable with this side of things.

The number one rule of an open relationship: communication

Any couple who decides to be open needs to decide what they’re comfortable with when it comes to disclosure. The options for this run the full spectrum. Some couples prefer a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ approach and just set firm boundaries and never talk about their extra-curricular activities. Other couples enjoy all the hot, steamy, explicit details. A friend of mine is in an open relationship where both partners love to know every single horny thing, with photos or videos from the hook-up greatly appreciated!

My relationship, like many, falls somewhere in the middle. My partner and I will advise if we’ve organised a hook-up and then afterwards give an overview of what went down – or in, or up! And we’re happy to answer any further questions if the other wants more intel.

The fun stuff – sex with others

Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it: having sex with others is fun! There’s the thrill of flirting, be it over an app, or at a bar, sauna or sex club. For me, it’s hard to beat the feeling of getting turned on by another human. I love leaning into that, and the prospect of getting down and dirty just makes it better. And when I know he feels that way too? I’m pretty much hard instantly.

Read more: Inside NY Jacks, New York City’s oldest masturbation club by Cal Hartwell.

It’s awesome to explore a new body that turns you on. I get off on encountering penises in a variety of shapes and sizes, and also getting up close and personal with men from a variety of ages and body types.

I also enjoy exploring other people’s kinks. I’ve been asked by multiple guys to dominate them, which has been a bit of a challenge! Honestly, I realised I had a bit of learning when I found myself saying, “strip down and then suck my cock! Er, only if that’s OK with you.”

While a lot of my experience is with dudes for a one-off shag, also having a f*ck buddy is great. Some friends like to go to the footy together, we prefer to go to a sauna from time to time and suck each other off.

Managing everyone’s expectations

A key thing about an open relationship is that you have to think beyond the needs of you and your partner. You have to let any potential ‘guest stars’ know what the situation is before things go too far. You’ll quickly find a lot of people don’t  want to get involved with someone who is in a relationship. Even for just a hook-up.

Recently I was making out with a guy in a bar and mentioned that my partner was nearby. He – they guy – was not impressed. And that was the end of that. Shame really, he was a great kisser.

Being open has allowed both my partner and myself to feel more content in our individual sexual lives, which has taken a lot of pressure out of the relationship on that front. It’s made us realise that our feelings for each other exist beyond the sexual plane, and that’s quite liberating.

The challenges of an open relationship

Getting used to your new normal will take time. Knowing my partner was getting naked with someone else? Definitely awkward at first. It was a bit of mindfuck to find myself going against the sorts of relationship rules I’d thought were set in stone.

But it didn’t take long to realise sex play can be just…getting your rocks off. It didn’t mean I wanted a new life partner.

The arrival of PREP also takes some of the stress out. Plus constant sexual health testing to keep things like STIs monitored and dealt with if need be.

Perhaps the only ongoing challenge is if one of us is getting some action while the other might be going through a dry patch. There are plenty of ghosters out there, regardless of your relationship status! And the logistics are not always easy, considering a lot of online hook-ups want action immediately (“u up?”), whereas for us, it takes a little bit of forward planning. On both these fronts, patience goes a long way.

The open relationship low down

Open relationships are not for everyone, no matter what your sexuality. But if you and your partner think it’s something you’d like to explore, I’d suggest doing what it takes to make sure you’re feeling good about the whole deal – one couple I know went to a relationship expert to talk it all out and get everything on the table! And then go have some horny fun! Check in with each other as you move forward, and you could find yourself on an awesome sexual journey. Possibly separately, but always in it together.

Read more: Polyamory 101 by Selina Nguyen.