Keeping the Spark Alive in a Long Term Relationship

We all know the beginning of a relationship can feel electric. You’re high on anticipation, drunk on novelty, and every text, touch, and late-night conversation feels like a secret world only the two of you share. Then life happens. Someone has to remember bin night, someone else has to work late, and suddenly the only sparks flying are over who left their socks on the floor.

But do sparks really die, or do we simply stop feeding the fire?

Desire doesn’t just “go missing.” It fades because we assume closeness automatically equals passion. We believe knowing everything about our partner should also mean we are overflowing with desire to jump them. The truth is, desire thrives in the unknown, in the risk and the mystery. Desire thrives in those early days when you first met and weren’t all-knowing of your now partner.

What we really want is to know someone deeply and at the same time, be surprised by them. As Esther Perel says, “Love rests on two pillars: Surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” The couples who last find ways to honour both.

So how do we keep the fire burning without burning out? Let’s talk about the art of staying in love and in lust, even after years together.

How long is too long without sex?

This is the question that pops up often in my work with couples. The truth? There’s no universal rule. Some couples have sex three times a week, others three times a year, and some not at all. For people who are asexual, celibate, or navigating health challenges, a non-sexual relationship can still be deeply fulfilling and nourishing.

The better question is whether the absence of sex feels like a loss. If you feel sad, lonely, or disconnected because intimacy has declined, that’s a sign something needs exploring. If both of you are content, then there’s nothing to fix. When sex does feel absent, the solution isn’t necessarily about frequency, it’s about how you feel. Desire doesn’t lie in how many times you have sex, but in how connected, playful, and desired you feel when you do.

Love is known, desire is mysterious

Love and desire often feel like they’re pulling in different directions. Love thrives in the familiar. The slow Sunday mornings, shared routines, and the quiet safety of knowing someone deeply. Desire, on the other hand, feeds on curiosity, novelty, and just enough distance to keep things intriguing. The challenge of long-term relationships is learning how to hold both, the known and the unknown.

As comforting as it is to know your partner inside and out, desire asks that we also see them as a little mysterious. Think of the moments when they’re in their element such as having a deep connection with friends, or immersed in a hobby. You might realise you see them as both yours and unknowable. Leaning into this contradiction, learning to value both the safe and the surprising can harness longevity.

Keeping the spark: desire as a practice

Desire doesn’t magically appear out of thin air. Desire is something that you can cultivate. Just as you’d train a muscle at the gym, you can train desire. Language plays a huge role here. When couples only talk about logistics like who’s doing the school run or who’s paying the bill, connection can feel functional, logical and expected rather than erotic. Introducing flirtation, play, or even a cheeky text can shift the dynamic.

Desire also begins in the brain. Fantasising, sharing scenarios, and exploring mental landscapes together creates an erotic culture within your relationship. In fact, research shows that sexual anticipation alone can increase arousal more than sex itself. This means that the stories we tell each other about how much we want, what excites us, or what we dream of, are as important as touch.

The art of erotic communication

So many couples assume sexual chemistry should “just happen.” But the truth is, communication is the fuel. Erotic communication doesn’t mean clinical “sex talks” every week, it means weaving openness, curiosity, and honesty into your relationship.

One golden rule? Talk outside the bedroom. Trying to negotiate fantasies mid-act can kill the mood. Instead, have conversations while cooking, walking, or cuddling. Use “I” language to express your desires without shaming your partner. And most importantly, stay curious. Your partner isn’t the same person they were five years ago, and neither are you. Asking, “What turns you on these days?” or “What fantasy would surprise me?” keeps you both in discovery mode.

Read more: Spice up your sex life by Amy Louise.

Reconnect with your erotic self

Sometimes the issue isn’t about your partner at all. It’s about your relationship with yourself. Stress, exhaustion, or body disconnection can make it difficult to feel sexual. Reigniting the spark begins with reconnecting to your own erotic self.

Solo exploration through touch, fantasy, or even mindful pleasure practices, can remind you of your sensuality. If you are looking to treat yourself Wild Secret’s has a lengthy list of new comers you may love to choose from to reconnect with your own erotic self. Pleasure beyond sex also matters such as baths, massages, or simply moving your body with joy reconnect you to sensation. And never underestimate the role of stress. Desire thrives in space and relaxation, not being overwhelmed.

Boundaries: The spark protectors

Ironically, one of the sexiest things in a long-term relationship is a healthy “no.” Boundaries create safety, and safety fosters desire. When partners feel overworked, overextended, or pressured into intimacy, resentment grows and sparks fade.

Saying no to overwork protects your energy. Saying no to external demands creates time for your relationship. And saying no in the bedroom, being able to decline a touch or act, creates the freedom and trust that makes saying yes feel genuine.

Read more: What we learned in 1 hour with an intimacy coordinator.

Date each other again

You are not the same person you were when you first met, and neither is your partner. Rather than seeing this as a loss, see it as an invitation. “Dating again” isn’t about extravagant dinners. It is about intentionally carving time to rediscover your partner as they are now.

Try novelty. New experiences activate the same brain circuits as falling in love. And don’t underestimate curiosity. Asking deeper questions about dreams, fears, and memories helps you see your partner with fresh eyes.

Balancing the contradictions

At its core, keeping the spark alive is about holding the paradox: Routine and risk, familiarity and surprise. Relationships need rituals of safety and predictability, but they also need unpredictability to stay alive.

Protecting rituals like morning coffee together, Friday movie nights, or Sunday walks, anchors your love. Proactively using to element of surprise to keep your partner on their toes can also help keep this balance. The art is knowing you need both, and that both are equally important.

The truth is, sparks don’t naturally last forever. But that isn’t bad news, it’s good news. Long term relationships don’t succeed because you return to who you were when you first met. They work because you’re constantly meeting who you’ve both become. So, here’s a challenge: This week, do one small thing that surprises your partner. Feed the fire. Because love is comfort, but desire? Desire is curiousity.